I am such a confused person. One second I'm completely done with Alex, and I truly feel in my heart that I am ready to be done, and then I hook up with someone else and I feel awful. Not awful in the sense that I'm feeling guilty or regretful, but awful in the sense that it made me miss him more than I ever thought I could. I thought maybe it was physical attraction that was the problem, but I'm attracted to this person and it's not changing things. In fact, it's making things worse because it makes me miss the small insecurities and flaws that Alex has. I want to watch my show with him, and I want to be close to him. I decided recently that my philosophy would be to roll with the punches, and I've realized that such a theory takes a very specific type of person. I can't calm down. I can't relax. I don't know exactly why I'm so anxious all the time, which makes it doubly frustrating. I want it to stop.
Maybe the real choice for me right now is to be single. To just be on my own until I find someone that I can't live without. I understand the idea of dating around because I'm young and want to have fun, and that's the mentality I went out with tonight. But that mentality is for a certain group of people....not me. If I'm going to date, it's got to be the right person to date. A guy that is on my same level at least, and one that challenges me is even better. I want more than sex. I want more than the physical...I want what makes a relationship really matter to people. I want communication and conversation. I want to be continually impressed by my mate intellectually and I want him to sway my opinion and make me see the other side of things. Am I cursed or something? Not that I believe in that bullshit, but it's starting to feel like I'm destined to be with Alex...and I know I don't want to be. I want something else, and I yearn for it every day. Why is a gorgeous, respectful, smart, guy that's in love with me so much to ask for?
And why the fuck are ghetto 28 year old men trying to add me on Bearshare and MySpace lately?? I'm over it. What makes me look like I'd enjoy dating a big black guy who's 10 years my elder? Seriously, sometimes I still think I should be 14 or something. I know it's because I'm 18, because it's the youngest they can get without getting in trouble...gross. I don't feel like an adult. I still feel like a little junior high student who's creeped out by the older people.
You know, I was reading over this and I was about to actually edit some of it when I realized that none of this matters.nI can't believe I'm editing when no one but me is going to read this blog.
I have no more deep thoughts. I just wanted this to spill my guts about my current romantic dilemma, in hopes that I would be able to resolve my problems by typing my feelings out. I guess I do feel a little better. I know that I don't want to be with Brett, and before I wrote this I was unsure. I know I don't want to be with Alex, and when I started this blog I was confinced that he was my soulmate. (Which he doesn't believe in, by the way.) No one feels the way I do. No guy understands me well enough. No guy knows the real me and really identifies with how I feel. And until that day, I'm not going to commit myself into a relationship that I know will be a disappointment anyway. I just need to remember that the grass is always greener on the other side. And I have a serious case of that - the grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side syndrome. Before 7PM tonight I was really into Brett. Really ready to start a new relationship and a new part of my life. Now, not so much. Now I don't want to be with him at all.
Fucking spellcheck. And fucking fast drivers. It's 3AM!!
So anyway, I will not settle. I will wait until I find what's perfect for me and that's that. And it will come.
EDIT
Not to say that Alex doesn't know me very well. He knows all but my tiny little secrets and tiny little insecurities, and I think some things are meant to be kept private. He knows more about me than anyone ever has, and I will always remember and appreciate what he has added to my life. He is in no way a mistake. In fact, he is the exact opposite. And I don't want, for one second, for me to look back on this post and get angry at myself for speaking of Alex as if he has had hardly any influence on my life. For the last three years, Alex has been my life. And that's alright. He's the best friend I have ever had and the only one who's gotten close to understanding who I really am underneath everything. I really do love him, and I always will. Now if only I could find a way to get to my own personal point--where it's just me and no one else. I need it.
